there's a glitch in the matrix

"If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person?" -- Chuck Palahniuk

sure could.

I now wear thongs. Don't look at me like that. I can explain. In New Zealand we call them jandals; in America, slippers or flip flops; but in the Aussie vernacular they're thong, tha-thong, thong, thongs.

"Thong" evokes powerful images especially when applied to my (astonishing) person, most of which are extremely disturbing unless I'm involved in a male beauty contest, like Mr. Universe where this kind of wardrobe choice is the norm. I'm no oiled up grease monkey though, I don't wear circus pants (only gymaholics will know what I'm talking about here), no it's nothing but thongs for me, Oz style.

I'm not cheating either, this isn't part of the new Loren by virtue of my calling these jandals by a different name. My transformation extends far beyond the pedantry of semantics. When it comes to foot wear, I believe that feet are better heard and not seen.

What's that you say? You're feet's noise pollution is next to nothing. So much the better, they probably afflict society in other more obvious ways. Excuse my personal prejudice, but I feel feet are close to being the most disgusting things ever. Both in appearance and odour. Walking is better than not walking I suppose, so the best we can hope for is that people cover their bad boys up with something (please).

It's not that I feel that my feet are exceptionally offensive or anything, but as a matter of principle I shroud them with the hope of maintaining some form of dignity. I must say though, that in comparison to most I may possibly be sporting the "Andre the Giant" of feet. I rest easy in this fact: big or small, ugly is ugly. Why not try to make the world a better place, some one's got to do it.

So, here I am a changed man. One of my personal vendetta's abandoned in favour of common sense. It's really fricken hot here. That's one more pair of feet exposed to an unsuspecting world. It could be worse, I could start wearing the other type of thongs too.

warning: double/triple irony is very hard to detect without vocal inflection.